Sopapaillas and Loneliness
I drove from Santa Barbara to Portland and back, both times in one day, by myself (and Panza). I’m not sure if this is based in fact but I remember someone telling me that driving is one of the closest ways we come to meditating in our daily lives. The way to Portland took me about 14 hours. The way back took me about 16 and half (traffic). On the way to Portland, I was having a great time, I felt mentally strong, I was having thoughts and emotions as I was driving, but I was dealing with them and I was excited about arriving and spending Thanksgiving with my family.
The drive back was much more difficult.
I was alone, with myself, in my head for 16 hours. I think about people who go to silent meditation retreats where you are alone, in your head for 24 hours a day. That shit is hard. My mind will grasp at memories and thoughts that leave me feeling very sad and lonely. That feel like a shovel has hollowed out my chest. The feeling truly feels like it will go on forever, this will be the rest of my life.
Sitting in a car by yourself for 16 hours forces you to face your thoughts and feelings head on. When I am not in a car by myself for 16 hours I can use methods of distraction to pull me away from these thoughts and feelings. When there are thoughts and feelings I am trying to avoid, I use various self-destructive methods of evasion. On this car ride I sat with those feelings. There was loneliness and sadness and emptiness. And it was painful. I felt it in my chest, a hollow empty gap. I have come to accept that loneliness and sadness are just a part of being human. We all feel this way. I would like to be able to sit with these feelings a bit more often, use methods of self destruction less and less. One question I try to ask myself when the pull of self destruction becomes seductive is, is there anything else in the world that sounds good to you besides X? Go do that. On this car ride I called my best friends and my sisters and my mom. I shared a bag of popcorn with Panza, I sang Lana del Rey songs and cried, and I thought about baking and cooking in my own kitchen when I got home.
Other methods I use when I’m feeling that self destructive pull (but I’m not in a car) are:
Take a nap (it’s ok to rest!)
File my finger nails
Take a shower (sometimes I feel worse when I haven’t showered that day)
Go outside with Panza (even for five minutes)
Lay in the sun (luckily I live in Santa Barbara)
Lay on the carpet in my living room
Put sweatpants on, take my bra off and wrap myself in a blanket
Text my best buds and make fun plans with them
Try and breathe
Make sopapaillas
Sopapaillas recipe adapted from La Comida by Frederick Muller
1 1/2 cups warm water
2 1/4 teaspoons active dry yeast
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
Oil or shortening for frying
Place yeast and sugar in a medium bowl. Add warm water and let sit for a few minutes for the yeast to activate. Add oil, flour and salt and mix using a stand mixer with paddle attachment or a wooden spoon, until dough has come together and is soft but not sticky. Add more flour if necessary. Let the dough rest on the counter for 30 minutes or in the fridge until you are ready to roll and fry.
When ready to make the sopapaillas, heat a large cast iron skillet with at least 2 to 4 inches of oil or shortening. On a lightly floured work surface, divide dough into four pieces. Cut each of the four pieces into three smaller pieces. You will have 12 total. Roll each ball of dough into a rectangle or square. When oil is very hot (about 350 degrees), place dough gently into oil. Dough will puff up and begin to turn brown, after about a minute and a half, flip the dough over and let cook another 1 1/2 minutes. Remove with tongs and drain on a paper towel. Eat with honey or savory nibbles.
